so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
