I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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