so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
