yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
