I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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