I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
