I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
