Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
