Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
