Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
