We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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