i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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