when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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