There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
