i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
