Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
