took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.