Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.