god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?