And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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