So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
In America we eat man semen.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
he laminated a picture of his dick.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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