If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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