between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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