3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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