i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
