your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Randomize
