On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
