what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
