today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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