Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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