I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
