you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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