It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
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