omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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