filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
