No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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