Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
