Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
