what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
