He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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