I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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