dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
if only i could text you this smell
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
