He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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