It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
