I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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