The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
