I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
