He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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