somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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