i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
