You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just cut my nipple shaving
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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