I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
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we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
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Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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