I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
