Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
tell me about the eggs
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