At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
