my being single is dangerous.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
