I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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