They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Please don't give away my fajitas
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