He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
