Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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