I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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