he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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