I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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