The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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