my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
