I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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